Realization

"You know that feeling you get...when you're about to cry? That lump...in your throat. Tears that are being held in..and...your eyes...they hurt from you trying to keep the tears in. Your chest...it's tight and hot...like the Devil's angels are holding you by the skin...your skin on your chest. And your heart...it's racing faster than the horses in the Kentucky Derby...and it keeps racing. Then...finally the tears fall...and fall...and that feeling of agony and pain and sadness is just flowing down your cheeks..." I had to realize something. It's all my fault. It's all my fucking fault. The pain I'm feeling. The agony. It won't fucking stop. I just want it to go the away. I know what I did and living with it is fucking terrible. I mean I had a reason to but at the moment...at the time...it was the dumbest reason ever. We were fucking fine. Just fine. But...gosh something bad always happens when a relationship of mine is fine. I swear it's alway something.

"I felt empty and complete at the same time but the emptiness was more noticeable...if...that makes sense to you. I...uhhh...don't speak anymore. Or I just don't like talking about things anymore. They're either flipped or...turned around in a negative way. I don't want that. I just....need someone to...understand me...know how I'm feeling. But I can't always be understood like I want. I don't know..." Her tears broke me. They made me feel so shitty. And I deserved it. You may think "No...Taffy you don't deserve anything like that" but I put someone that I truly love and care for through so much. Imagine having a relationship. Cute little dates everyday and I mean everyday. Playing around. Cuddling before and after work. Cooking dinner for each other. Talking to each other. Hanging out with each other. Just being with each other. We were so in-sync with one another. And I just fell. Fell down a dark, dark hole. I couldn't escape either. I was just surrounded by so much darkness. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I'd wake up having terrible nightmares. I'd wake up crying my eyes out and I'd just snuggle up to her as much as I could without waking her up. I'd wake up, paralyzed, hearing screaming in my ears and seeing shadows on the walls; sleep paralysis. And I probably only told her 50% of this at the time. Everything else, I kept to myself. I kept to myself. Emotionally, mentally and physically. It took a toll on us. Since I never wanted to go out, eat, sleep, want to cuddle, she felt...lonely and unhappy. She'd cry her eyes out. I can still play the scenes in my head. And I'd cry too because I was beating myself up on the inside. I hated seeing those tears. They dug me further in that dark hole. But I didn't know what to do...

"How can I tell you what's wrong...when my mind won't let me? I mean, I know what's wrong but I can't...say it....blurt it....write it. Why? Because no matter what you tell me...what you could advise...what you can say that'll make me feel better, I'll walk through that door feeling like the same shitty person that walked in."

Have you ever been betrayed? I'm not talking about "Brittany didn't buy you ice cream on your birthday", I'm talking about "He/She tore me apart with her lies and deceit and indifference" betrayal. Going into multiple relationships with the same damn thing happening over and over again, you start to put up walls. Walls that are hard for even yourself to tear down. You start to think that you're ugly. Too fat. Too black. Boring. Not funny. Not lovable. Not cute. Not sexy. Just a piece of shit that no one wants to be with. And that's what was in my head. I was a piece of shit that no one will ever truly love. I wanted someone to love me for me. She loved me for me but I was behind the wall, blinded. I hated myself for being blinded, not getting out of the dark hole, not making my parents proud, not making my friends happy by just visiting them, not being able to support my girlfriend at the time, not being able to be happy, not being focused for school, not making smarter decisions, messing everything up. Just everything. And one little negative comment would have me in tears and it dug me deeper. Further I went. I'd just beat up myself over this type of stuff. Every day. Every single day I'd put myself down like I was my own bully. I had a monster inside of me. I still do but I ignore it. Or try to. But now that everything is slightly winding down, I've realized what I've done.

Fear

February 27, 2013

I was talking to a friend about fear and love and how being afraid will prevent you from loving completely. I just realized how afraid I am. I’m scared she won’t like my hair one day. I’m afraid she’ll stop laughing at my jokes. I’m afraid that she’ll think I’m too much. I’m afraid that I might accidentally hurt her (and I damn sure don’t want to do that). I’m afraid that she’ll stop sending good night texts. I’m afraid that she’ll realize she made a mistake. I’m afraid that I won’t make a year. I’m afraid that I’ll change and she won’t like it. I’m afraid of not feeling the warmth in those hugs. I’m afraid of not feeling any feeling. I’m afraid of her not loving me anymore. So I try to avoid it…

This is directly pulled from my Tumblr (outlandishgambino.tumblr.com)

Tremble and Shake

I have found a terrible high

shake and tremble

I can't feel but I still cry

shake and tremble

As much as it hurts

shake and tremble

I just know I have to let it pass by

shake and tremble

Breath escapes my lips

tremble

I contort and tense up my hips

tremble

I know I can't make it seize

tremble

I rip and pull and grip the sheets

shake

"Please stop!" she said

shake

"Just calm down.." as she grabbed my head

shake

"Why is this happening?" she asked

shake

I groaned as a tear fell to my bed

tremble

The things you do

shake

Effect me so badly

tremble

Then maybe you'd stop

shake

Before you do
tremble

So watch me shake shake and tremble 

Part I (Flaws and All)

"I'm a puzzle yes in deed

                                               Ever complex in every way

                                       And all the pieces aren't even in the box

 And yet, you see the picture clear as day."

Usually, it kind of hard for people to like me. Why? I don't know. I guess because I come off as shy at first then I become the buffoon that's bouncing off the walls. It's like I go from 30 mph to 180 mph in three seconds. Or maybe because I can get obnoxious when I'm hyper by asking a million and three questions. It's like I'm a question survey. I could go on and on and on. Sometimes, I annoy myself. Or maybeeee it's because I don't look as good as that light-skinned girl or I don't seem physically attractive to many. I have my days where I look in the mirror and just say "ugh". Or, I feel fat so I actually wear a shirt to sleep. A big shirt at that. The sorority girl big shirt. You know what I'm talking about. But yea...

                                           "...I don't know why you love me

                                               And that's why I love you..."

But sometimes, it's easy for people to love me. I'm not an egotistical fuck so please don't think that. It's a fact because I would have no friends if they didn't love me. I'm annoying and I can laugh to that [and also be secretly sad]. But I can honestly say I care for people. I care for everyone. I have sentiment towards everyone I meet. I'd put someone before myself just to make them happy. I don't do it as often as I used to, due to the fact that I was messed over numerous amounts of times, but I still do it. I'd do everything in my power to make sure someone was okay or happy or fed or is warm or has a place to sleep. I just do it. Now, why do people stay loving me? Hell if I know. I'm a complex mofo and I know it.

"You catch me when I fall

                                                  Accept me flaws and all

  And that's why I love you."

With all of that being said, I literally process why I can't maintain a long relationship like I want. It kind of sucks. I felt like my counterpart would know what she'd be getting into. Whether if it was me calling before lacrosse practice, while she was at church or work, after I left class, if I'm out with my friends and I thought of her, if I text/call in the middle of the night or just me being a hopeless romantic. I care alot. Too much actually. I honestly think I may die from a broken heart. I say that with all seriousness too. It just sucks. I mean, I obviously scoped this individual out from everyone and put my all into the relationship. But what do I get in return? Cheating, lying, lonely nights, hostility, being made into an option rather than a main decision, being sent to voicemail, indifference to my feelings or what I have to say and stuff like that. It kind of makes my heart turn cold sometimes. I understand that every relationship has the "honeymoon" phase but after that, why would anyone stop trying to show how much they care for their other half? The other half is not just going to know that you still care because in these days, one wrong look, wrong phrase, wrong gesture and it'll look as if you're cheating or liking someone else. That's how it was for me. But I wouldn't do any of that. I just had my flaws because I'm human. And I thought someone would see through that...but I guess not.

"I'm a peasant by some standards

But in your eyes I'm a queen

You see potential in all my flaws

and that's exactly what I mean."

My biggest flaw

"I know exactly what my problem is but I can't help it. It has become such a habit since I've been doing it for so long until..I realize the biggest issue after something bad happens."

Just like the title of my blog says,"Thinking out Loud, Speaking in Silence", that's exactly my problem. This blog is my ventilator while I sit and act as a wallflower around everyone. Taking it in, the pain, the happiness, the anger. I sit and adapt to it all as if I had to become something I'm not to live through a certain situation. I should open my mouth and speak my mind but I choose to stare and smile and sheepishly glance at people. I hate it. I really hate it. I know it's probably my anxiety that's been stopping me. It's gotten so bad. My anxiety, I mean. I've had it for a while. I felt like I nearly had a heart attack when I used to ask my dad for lunch money. I'd go to school hungry sometimes. And I couldn't and still can't help it and I'm 20 years old. 

Maybe one day I'll be able to freely express myself. Like...I want to be passionate with my expressions, evoking emotions from whoever I'm talking to. Like a groom to a bride on their wedding day, speaking their vows, staring deep into each other's eyes, giving the physical and verbal exposition of what lies in their heart. Their walls are down and they don't care who is around to hear or see how they feel for one another. It's beautiful. Mesmerizing. Quite alluring to the senses.

Maybe it's my anxiety and trust that's causing my failed attempt at being outspoken. I know the world isn't fair and so are some of my friends and family. So why isn't anyone else? We judge so harshly and so quickly. It's pretty sad. I watch my mouth to avoid lashes from someone else's tongue. But right now, and when I'm writing something up, all I can say is "Fuck it! I'm a human with feelings and emotions and I need to express them somehow. Fuck you if you're mad about it." So yea...I guess...here goes.