Just like the title of my blog says,"Thinking out Loud, Speaking in Silence", that's exactly my problem. This blog is my ventilator while I sit and act as a wallflower around everyone. Taking it in, the pain, the happiness, the anger. I sit and adapt to it all as if I had to become something I'm not to live through a certain situation. I should open my mouth and speak my mind but I choose to stare and smile and sheepishly glance at people. I hate it. I really hate it. I know it's probably my anxiety that's been stopping me. It's gotten so bad. My anxiety, I mean. I've had it for a while. I felt like I nearly had a heart attack when I used to ask my dad for lunch money. I'd go to school hungry sometimes. And I couldn't and still can't help it and I'm 20 years old.
Maybe one day I'll be able to freely express myself. Like...I want to be passionate with my expressions, evoking emotions from whoever I'm talking to. Like a groom to a bride on their wedding day, speaking their vows, staring deep into each other's eyes, giving the physical and verbal exposition of what lies in their heart. Their walls are down and they don't care who is around to hear or see how they feel for one another. It's beautiful. Mesmerizing. Quite alluring to the senses.
Maybe it's my anxiety and trust that's causing my failed attempt at being outspoken. I know the world isn't fair and so are some of my friends and family. So why isn't anyone else? We judge so harshly and so quickly. It's pretty sad. I watch my mouth to avoid lashes from someone else's tongue. But right now, and when I'm writing something up, all I can say is "Fuck it! I'm a human with feelings and emotions and I need to express them somehow. Fuck you if you're mad about it." So yea...I guess...here goes.
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