Realization

"You know that feeling you get...when you're about to cry? That lump...in your throat. Tears that are being held in..and...your eyes...they hurt from you trying to keep the tears in. Your chest...it's tight and hot...like the Devil's angels are holding you by the skin...your skin on your chest. And your heart...it's racing faster than the horses in the Kentucky Derby...and it keeps racing. Then...finally the tears fall...and fall...and that feeling of agony and pain and sadness is just flowing down your cheeks..." I had to realize something. It's all my fault. It's all my fucking fault. The pain I'm feeling. The agony. It won't fucking stop. I just want it to go the away. I know what I did and living with it is fucking terrible. I mean I had a reason to but at the moment...at the time...it was the dumbest reason ever. We were fucking fine. Just fine. But...gosh something bad always happens when a relationship of mine is fine. I swear it's alway something.

"I felt empty and complete at the same time but the emptiness was more noticeable...if...that makes sense to you. I...uhhh...don't speak anymore. Or I just don't like talking about things anymore. They're either flipped or...turned around in a negative way. I don't want that. I just....need someone to...understand me...know how I'm feeling. But I can't always be understood like I want. I don't know..." Her tears broke me. They made me feel so shitty. And I deserved it. You may think "No...Taffy you don't deserve anything like that" but I put someone that I truly love and care for through so much. Imagine having a relationship. Cute little dates everyday and I mean everyday. Playing around. Cuddling before and after work. Cooking dinner for each other. Talking to each other. Hanging out with each other. Just being with each other. We were so in-sync with one another. And I just fell. Fell down a dark, dark hole. I couldn't escape either. I was just surrounded by so much darkness. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I'd wake up having terrible nightmares. I'd wake up crying my eyes out and I'd just snuggle up to her as much as I could without waking her up. I'd wake up, paralyzed, hearing screaming in my ears and seeing shadows on the walls; sleep paralysis. And I probably only told her 50% of this at the time. Everything else, I kept to myself. I kept to myself. Emotionally, mentally and physically. It took a toll on us. Since I never wanted to go out, eat, sleep, want to cuddle, she felt...lonely and unhappy. She'd cry her eyes out. I can still play the scenes in my head. And I'd cry too because I was beating myself up on the inside. I hated seeing those tears. They dug me further in that dark hole. But I didn't know what to do...

"How can I tell you what's wrong...when my mind won't let me? I mean, I know what's wrong but I can't...say it....blurt it....write it. Why? Because no matter what you tell me...what you could advise...what you can say that'll make me feel better, I'll walk through that door feeling like the same shitty person that walked in."

Have you ever been betrayed? I'm not talking about "Brittany didn't buy you ice cream on your birthday", I'm talking about "He/She tore me apart with her lies and deceit and indifference" betrayal. Going into multiple relationships with the same damn thing happening over and over again, you start to put up walls. Walls that are hard for even yourself to tear down. You start to think that you're ugly. Too fat. Too black. Boring. Not funny. Not lovable. Not cute. Not sexy. Just a piece of shit that no one wants to be with. And that's what was in my head. I was a piece of shit that no one will ever truly love. I wanted someone to love me for me. She loved me for me but I was behind the wall, blinded. I hated myself for being blinded, not getting out of the dark hole, not making my parents proud, not making my friends happy by just visiting them, not being able to support my girlfriend at the time, not being able to be happy, not being focused for school, not making smarter decisions, messing everything up. Just everything. And one little negative comment would have me in tears and it dug me deeper. Further I went. I'd just beat up myself over this type of stuff. Every day. Every single day I'd put myself down like I was my own bully. I had a monster inside of me. I still do but I ignore it. Or try to. But now that everything is slightly winding down, I've realized what I've done.